oui nide iou

i found this postcard pinned up in a restaurant in the 10th. it turns out he is a superhero created in the '70s called Superdupont. with french nationalist undertones he fights against the "anti-france", that's right fellow ex-pats, a wonderful melting-pot of all things foreign. i think it's beautifully drawn and love the play on words. voila!

if it pleases you

one of the ways i found myself keeping track of my progress with the french language has been during visits to the beautician. there was a sudden revelation where i found i was able to make small talk for an entire 20 minute period with legs akimbo. having tried out a variety of different esthéticiennes i have found one i like, she's thorough and quick, maybe a little surly but i'm not there to make friends. in my friend making experience, asking for a pair of paper knickers and showing him/her your hairy vajayjay is not the way to go about it. then again, i suppose it depends on the type of friend you're trying to make.

in any case, on one particular visit, whilst concentrating hard on not sharing the windy aftermath of my lunch i found myself also having to stop myself from laughing, mostly because i didn't want to try and explain what had just occurred to me. having asked me to do "the frog" when you drop your knees to both sides, the princess place perfecter then asked if i would like my crack waxed to which i said "s'il vous plaît", a polite yes please. the problem was i found myself analysing the direct translation "if it pleases you" and the idea that this poor girl could gain any enjoyment out of me spreading my buttocks so that she can get up close and personal with my behind gave me the giggles. fortunately playing the crazy foreigner can cover up such discrepancies.

comment ça va ton père?

the frenchman would like to learn english, or at least improve his smattering of it. i’m thinking that for laughs i’m going to teach this very lad’s lad blokey bloke phrases from the good old days. “oh my word” instead of “fucking hell”, “goodness gracious”, “golly gosh” and “fiddlesticks” are in there but I really want to dig deep into obscurity for the nouns, things that would be understood were someone to say them even with a heavy french accent but words that would make you cock your head to one side and question where on earth this foreign skinhead would have learnt such a quaint phrase?

“how are you pascal?”

“oh i’m a tad tipsy but apart from that i’m hunky-dory. fancy a bit of slap and tickle in the little boys’ room?”

ho la la !

an ex came to stay last summer, not long after i first arrived. he was surprised to find that just as every stereotype has led us to believe the french do genuinely use the phrase "ooh la la". well in fact, i've never heard it in this raw form; more common is the brisk "ooh la!" of shock or the drawn out "ooh la la la la la la..." of disapproval. i've not had the confidence to use it myself as yet but feel a little pang of affection when it so naturally slips out of the mouths of the professionals.